Every day I go through hang-ups and setbacks because of the programs that have been playing in my head for so many years. However, with my new understanding, I’m now easily able to catch them. There are many things that led to this shift, as well as many years of trials and tribulations. I suppose I have always been rebellious, always feeling different, not wanting to adhere to societal norms, chasing a different way of life. In the past, this way of thinking caused me severe bouts of depression, confusion and hopelessness. It’s only now at last that I’m able to accept the way I am, and feel that everyone should and can be this way. I realize that we have all just been programmed in a way that separates us from our true selves.
How did I come to this point of clarity, understanding and acceptance? As previously mentioned, there are numerous occurrences that got me where I am today, but I will credit the majority of my shift to plant medicines and psychedelics.
Let’s start with a little background…
I’m 30 years old now and have dealt with depression and other health issues for, I would say, most of my life. My life became consumed by these debilitations. I was constantly researching, trying new supplements, seeing different doctors and seeking out new treatment. I was spending thousands of dollars and countless hours trying to fix what was “wrong” with me. Finally, my path led me to South America in pursuit of the great Purge—Ayahuasca.
Ayahuasca came into my life, not through my endless research, but through several chance occurrences. I listened to the signs, left everything I had and flew thousands of miles to South America. I spent four months there, living a life that was in every way the opposite of what I was used to. I was living off the grid with an amazing British girl, who I would later come to acknowledge as the greatest teacher in my life to date. During my four months in Ecuador, I had many experiences both alone and in ceremony with Ayahuasca.
I was led to the door by this medicinal teacher. When I walked through the door I was finally able to see what everyone had tried to teach me. Everything suddenly made sense. Everything became clear—I was being shown everything that I needed to know. I could feel it with every inch of my being. I knew I would never be the same again.
If you’re unfamiliar with Ayahuasca, please Google it. There’s a lot of information online. What follows is simply my personal journey with the medicine. If you plan on experiencing it for yourself, I recommend that you don’t buy too much into what you read. Realize that your experience will be completely unique. From here on I will refer to Ayahuasca simply as “Aya.”
In the Western world, Aya has been highly publicized and made out to be a quick cure for whatever ails you… a few journeys in the jungle gives promise to a permanent healing, right? In my experience, as with most things in life, there’s no quick fix.
The journey towards an integrated experience with Ayahuasca
It probably wasn’t until my eighth journey that I really began to integrate with the medicine. In the beginning I was doing what I always did. I read too much and was trying to make my experience similar to that of others. I was asking questions, trying to dictate the direction of my journeys. I was paying attention to others in the circle, trying to emulate their experience.
I was having an outward experience when I should have been going inward. I was trying to control when I should have been letting go. My first few journeys were incredibly difficult. I thought I would get answers to all of my questions, see my gifts and the beauty within and purge all of my demons… removing every block that was “holding me back.” Instead I saw the darkest depths of myself. I was in a hell that I couldn’t escape and I feared the worst.
It wasn’t until I started to understand the message that I finally relaxed into my experiences and was able to receive what I will call “downloads.” I stopped asking questions, I stopped trying to purge and I stopped trying to control where the medicine was taking me. I released and became a drifting feather, willing to go wherever the wind would take me. The medicine never went in the direction of my original intention, but, again, that is one of the messages that the medicine wants you to get. We have been raised with the mentality that we must work hard for everything we have—no pain, no gain. But what if that is wrong? We can try to control all aspects of our lives. We can think we know what we need and what’s best for us. But maybe there’s a greater plan. Maybe once we fully let go, everything we need will come to us.
Accepting the demons rather than purging them
The journey with Aya is the same. You can struggle through your journeys. You can fight the demons within and go to hell and back… or you can accept them. I do not believe that Aya wants to be a purge. I had shamans tell me that I had an entity in me; something dark that needed to be purged. I admit I bought into it at first. I was never able to purge and I thought there was something wrong with me. I would hear people vomiting around me, and though I felt no urge whatsoever to vomit I would attempt to get something out. I would end up in a hell created by my own mind. Aya leads you down the fastest path of manifestation—wherever your thoughts go the realization of them, in a display of vivid images and feelings, quickly follows.
I remember being in circle with 18 people, which is far too many people for my liking when trying to have an inward journey. The shaman conducting the ceremony was one that highly encouraged vomiting. We had a conversation before the ceremony and he indicated that my previous failures at vomiting were due to something very deep within that I was afraid to let go of. I told myself that no matter what it took, I would get these demons out, once and for all. As the medicine began to take effect that night, I watched as one person after another left the teepee and sounds of loud dramatic vomiting followed. I went outside to emulate their actions and finally rid myself of this “entity.”
As I knelt down in the dirt, the medicine became stronger and stronger. I closed my eyes and felt as though I was drifting away from my body, only to be jolted back to my present reality with the reminder of my mission to purge. The confusion between states began to terrify me. Soon I had no idea where I was or what I was doing. Around me I saw these other animal-looking humans purging violently, heaving, crying and screaming. At that moment I was convinced that I was in hell. I didn’t know how I had gotten there or how to get out but it was one of the most terrifying moments in my life.
Suddenly I began to get a “download.” To me, if felt like the voice was that of the spirit of Aya. She told me to stop. Stop trying to purge, stop trying to be like everyone else, stop believing that something was wrong with me, and stop trying to get rid of what was in. I looked around and thought, “What the fuck am I doing? Go lie down and shut up.”
No sooner had my head hit the pillow than all hellish images drifted away. I felt the Aya presence with me now. I felt safe and protected. I was still, ready to release and ready to receive. The message that I got from Aya during this ceremony was that I didn’t need to purge my darkness, I needed to accept it. I needed to stop trying to change and get rid of things about myself. I needed to accept all of it—all of me and all aspects of my life. I needed to stop believing there’s evil all around. There is no light or darkness. There is only fluctuation. I simply exist. Nothing is wrong, nothing is right. It simply is. I got this message loud and clear. I felt energy coursing through my body as if I was being re-wired, re-programmed. I was in a bliss state seeing light and love surrounding me.
Seeing your true self
This was the first time I felt I could see my true self… and she was beautiful. My mind replayed the constant berating I put myself through on a daily basis. I began to weep. I saw that judgmental voice as something completely separate and I was angry at it. “How could you be so mean to her?” I thought. “Look how beautiful and sweet she is. She doesn’t deserve any of that!” In that moment I was completely in love with myself and vowed to never again listen to that voice.
I remember looking outside the teepee, seeing the shaman trying to excise these purging animals and feeling a great sense of confusion and sadness. “Why are they doing this?” I thought. “Why do they feel the need to suffer to find their selves?”
I walked away from that ceremony with a completely new understanding of suffering. I was resisting my true self and therefore I was suffering. I knew that I did not need to purge and I did not want to purge. And once I accepted everything about myself I was complete, I was happy. I vowed never again to let others influence my needs or wants. I vowed never again to try to change what I perceived as flaws, but instead to love myself in every shape and every form.
From Aya to Cannabis and meditation
And my work did not end when I left South America. Because I had created such a deep relationship with Aya I found that I was able to take myself back to that place very easily with the help of cannabis, bringing me out of negative states. During my meditations I also receive downloads. This does not happen all of the time but on certain occasions, while in a trance-like state the messages come in as if someone is filling my head with the truths of the universe. These are messages, although controversial and out of the box, have felt to be completely true and safe to me. They have shown me how to be present, why I have found myself in certain patterns and what I can do to create ultimate happiness in my life.
Now that I have a better understanding of where I’m coming from I can get on with the experiment. I call it an experiment because that’s how I see all of this. I don’t know how things will turn out. I can’t say that this is guaranteed to lead to constant happiness. But I do know that so far, because of my new thinking and dedication to complete happiness and authenticity, I have never been happier or more hopeful for the amazing future to come.
[su_panel background=”#f2f2f2″ color=”#000000″ border=”0px none #ffffff” shadow=”0px 0px 0px #ffffff”]by Aluna Lopez
