At a recent organizational gathering I was honoured for my years of service. A number of very kind things were said, among them some comments about demonstrating the quality of acceptance. It seems some people at least noticed me accepting even apparently unfortunate circumstances as the perfect starting point for the expression of the creative spirit. This is my attitude, as I am sure it is yours too. There are occasions when this has been tested. Whether in more public roles or in the most private moments, we all get to find out that it isn’t always so easy to approach life with a “thank you” on our lips no matter what arises. The truth of acceptance, of course, goes a lot deeper than merely carrying a pleasant smile in the face of adversity. The core of the matter is the deep, unconditional acceptance of oneself. Again, easy to say, but if your experience is anything like mine we’re constantly finding places in our being where the acceptance is less than full and complete.
“There is something wrong with this situation.” Almost everyone finds this feeling arise from time to time. Underneath what’s happening there’s the sense in most good situations that they are going to turn sour unless we are watchful; and bad situations often feel like, well, inevitable. Where does this come from, this sense that we have to constantly put out this effort to stop something bad from happening?
As I trace it in myself, it comes down to the feeling that there’s something wrong with me. No doubt you have intense moments when such a feeling is blatantly triggered, but can you feel now how pretty much all the time this sensation lurks: There is something wrong with me? Part of our human makeup somehow. Underneath everything the sensation that there is something wrong here.
In spiritual circles there’s much talk about transformation. “Ah, here is the way out. Let us undergo a process of transformation that will alter this experience of inner unease. Escape at last.” Not so fast! Yes, one way or another, most spiritual traditions hold out the hope of an escape from core factors that have irritated human beings so much through the ages. “If you do whatever it is that is offered, sooner or later you’re going to reach the point where you will no longer have to feel these things. All experience will be good and pleasant.” But is that really the direction of the transformation of which we speak?
A wise mentor of mine emphasized that you cannot be free from your limitations until you discover what it is to be free in your limitations. That means totally giving up the attempt to get away from the limitations, the feelings of unease that irk us. There is no freedom without acceptance—in particular the acceptance of what is limited. Nothing will change until you have accepted it exactly as it is; accepted it so deeply that you’re willing to live with it just as it is for the rest of your life. That does not mean you have to do that, or that you should try to keep limited circumstances and irksome feelings around beyond their shelf life. Just that you stop running. You come back to being where you are.
If I am able fully and unconditionally to accept my circumstances as they are, it is to the extent that I am able to accept myself as I am, and that includes the parts that I am least proud of. I accept myself as a divine being but, deeper than that, I accept that there are all kinds of ingredients to being here, to being me right now in the world the way it is, that are hard. In my experience this starts with accepting this seemingly irrepressible itch inside, which I described as the feeling that there is something wrong; that almost constant sense of dissatisfaction. As soon as I stop living my life to assuage that feeling, a whole new world opens up. I am actually willing to show up fully, however it feels to be me in any moment.
I’m embarrassed at how simple and obvious this must sound. But it is a huge issue. Most people on a spiritual path want to accept themselves as divine beings and reach for all kinds of ecstatic experiences, or pleasant ones at least, and reject the rest. Toss it in the trash and get rid of it, if only we could. We have a massive buildup of waste on this planet. I understand some waste disposal experts are looking at forming a “nuclear priesthood” to continue the knowledge of where the toxic waste is buried, trying to find a way to have this information outlive not just the present generation, but present and future civilizations. Such is the longevity of the danger in the materials we discard these days. The way we’re living as a race is all about splitting off the bits we like and trashing the rest, leaving this stuff that will take Mother Earth tens of thousands of years to decontaminate. So each of us might profitably raise these questions, “What parts of my experience am I trying to throw away? What parts of myself? What parts of others do I wish to discard?”
Some people would even ask, “What about the urge that just came up to kill my boss? What about all of my negative instincts?” Surely if we did not reject our animal nature we would unleash an unholy mess on Earth, which, of course, we have anyways. However, there’s a difference between accepting what’s going on in you and acting it out in life. It seems paradoxical but you are less likely to act out the anguish you have accepted, deeply and unconditionally accepted, in yourself. Yet we have all been trained since way back to treat certain experiences as good and go after having more of them, while avoiding others as bad. In other words, to pursue—through material means or spiritual means—a better life. There is another way.
We come to accept what it is like to be here. Before any creative engagement, we accept what is. Otherwise, what is the motivation for the engagement? To get rid of it? We see what that creates in the long run. Not that we’re resigned to preserving things the way they are, but we see the wisdom of accepting what is as the perfect starting point to be in action, the perfect opportunity for what we have to bring. I’m sure we have been doing this to some extent, as had I. But as I’ve looked again, I’ve been amazed at how much more there is for me in this. So just maybe it’s time to see if there is more for all of us. Can we accept the whole human predicament—including the aches of the body, tangles of the mind, the anguish of the heart, the behaviour of others, the state of the world—as the ideal setup for our service?
Here is the beginning of compassion. A friend of mine, describing his own experience, said that once you’ve looked in your own heart and met the refuse that is there, then little anyone else will bring can phase you. When we stop running, when we stop making our lives about pushing the experiences we don’t like away from us, we start to access what is actually there and—guess what?—that connects us with the deepest heart in others and, incidentally, the deepest part of ourselves. Where before there was so much fretting to fix what was judged to be wrong, we start to relate with an understanding heart, and there’s great inspiration in that. With that as a starting point, anything is possible. This is the magic of deep acceptance.
[su_panel background=”#f2f2f2″ color=”#000000″ border=”0px none #ffffff” shadow=”0px 0px 0px #ffffff”]David Lesser, president of David Lesser and Associates, acts as a coach and confidant to CEOs and senior executives aspiring to the highest levels of personal growth in a variety of fields. He has been guiding people and organizations through crucial transitions for over twenty years. Born in London, England, he now lives with his wife, Chellsa, near San Francisco, California.
